Had a boring day at school or college?
Parents just annoyed you into pummelling pillows?
Just want to chuckle at some random nonsense?
Well then this is it!
Contents
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work."
"My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens."
"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
"I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said... Are you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said.. No..I hate myself now."
"I remember the time I was kidnaped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."
DATING:
The process of spending huge amounts of money, time, and effort to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like at present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
EASY:
A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT:
A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND:
A member of the opposite sex who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE
A woman's feeling toward a man that is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
IRRITATING HABIT:
What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
NYMPHOMANIAC:
A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.
SOBER
A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
ATTRACTION:
The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT 1st SIGHT:
What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
LAW OF RELATIVITY:
How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
This was a genuine application form submitted to a McDonald's restaurant in Florida. He was given the job as he was said to be "Funny and honest".
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries
Beer Sign
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the toilet. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"
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What Men Hear
What wives say:
"..go to the store; lay down the mulch; wash and wax the car; get the kids at school; rent some videos, and finish the rest of the dishes."
What husbands hear:
"...go .. ... ..... lay down ... ..... ... and ... ... get ... .... .. ...... .... some ...... ... ...... ... rest .. ... ......"
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Toilet Paper
Whats dumb? Instructions on toilet paper.
Whats dumber than that? reading them.
Whats even dumber? Reading them and learning something.
Dumbest of all? Reading them and having to correct something you've been doing wrong.
* * * * * * *
Final Exam
Four college friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas and party with some friends up there. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.
They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved.
They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. "This is going to be easy."
Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written:
(For 95 points): Which tire?